you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
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Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I only treason on days ending in y
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood