“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
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Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.