Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
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Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.