How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
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My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.