Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
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[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
best first i’ve ever seen
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0