My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
You Might Also Like
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
what could possibly go wrong?
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*