I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
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BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up