[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
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I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work