I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
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Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
every raccoon you see is currently on parole