Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
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Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*