I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
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Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”