My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
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[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No