Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
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Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.