Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
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There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
And bowling should be called pinball
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
peak technology
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Word!
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them