Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
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Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe