Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
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itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
They did not miss in the small print
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?