There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
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Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
#catsoftwitter
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
the noise i just made
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.