No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
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I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Brb my Sims are getting married
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing