model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
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Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.