wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
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if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Great game to play with friends
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.