Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
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If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
goldfish mafia
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no