scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
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I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Answers phone, makes modem noises…