The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
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*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*