Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
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In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Britain be like
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.