What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
You Might Also Like
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.