You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
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*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting