Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
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im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.