If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
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*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’