Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
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them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
sigh
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
This fish is cracking me up
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.