Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
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Squash
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*looks at selfie*
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*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
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If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
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Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
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Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
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[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
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Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome