Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
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“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?