He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
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video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”