OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
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[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.