Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
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My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
When ur friends with white people
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
My Plans 2020
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.