ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
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kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Every house has this drawer
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.