Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
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I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Good morning.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.