[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
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There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
*names my little horse OneTrick*
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism