Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
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“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”