I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
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Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.