As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
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[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Yoga Matt
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.