Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
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Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
The funk soul brother
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I am all good here, 😂😉
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii