urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
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15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Livid.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy