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just gave my 5yo power of attorney
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
i want to work in this restaurant
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”