Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
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This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
ok this is my dumbest yet
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.