Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
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The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to