Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
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don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
This why you should mind your business
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.