A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
You Might Also Like
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”