“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
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I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*