A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Social Media and Real life
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend