Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
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“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
hey, alexa
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later: